How do you show your brother that you love him?" a
therapist asked an 8-year old.
"You tell him . . . and then you punch
him in the back."
Such behavior seems altogether normal when brothers and sisters
are children. But what if the adult children are in the family
business--and they're still pummeling each other with words and
deeds?
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Competition among siblings runs deep. This type of rivalry is
natural and can even be beneficial to a business, as long as it
doesn't go too far. "When it gets so intense that a parent
has to step in, you can assume both adult siblings are at
fault," says Ronald Reece, an organizational psychologist and
co-owner of Behavior Resources Inc., a psychological counseling
firm in Greenville, South Carolina.
Separating fighting children was tough when they were young; it
requires even more strength and determination when they're
older--and in business together. "Even as adults, [siblings
are] still in a power struggle for attention and approval,"
says Kathy Wiseman, a family business consultant and president of
organizational development firm Working Systems in Washington, DC.
And giving in to them feeds into this childish behavior, she says.
"It's better to say something like `This fight is between
you and your brother. As long as you're working here,
you'll have to find a way to work it out.' "
Very often, young adult siblings have little understanding of
problem-solving or conflict resolution techniques. If that's
the case, they may need coaching from a consultant on how to arrive
at a productive agreement--one that separates the problem from the
relationship and one that produces a solution better than either of
them could develop alone.
Sometimes a caring but neutral person is the best one to offer a
business perspective to ongoing conflicts. That's the route the
siblings who run Lloyd's Moving Co. Inc., a 68-year-old
business in Philadelphia, take when they have disagreements.
"A family friend, who's also a savvy business consultant,
sits in on our family meetings," says Tina King, one of the
Lloyd siblings and three principals. "When there's
friction, she takes the emotion out of it, turning it into a
business problem, not a personal one. Because we all respect her
and know she cares about us as a family, it works."
According to Reece, if siblings' fights become destructive
to a business, a parent may have no option but to say "One of
you is going to have to go."
Patricia Schiff Estess writes family business histories and
is the author of two books, Managing Alternative Work
Arrangements (Crisp Publishing) and Money Advice for Your
Successful Remarriage (Betterway Press).
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