How To Do Everything Better

The first rule is not to bluff, if you can help it, advises Chris J. Gullette, a software developer at the Orlando branch of Litton, TASC Inc., a $400 million technology firm. "Resist the temptation to use 'object oriented paradigm' in a sentence," says Gullette, "unless you really know what it means." But if you must keep a pokerface, here's a quick primer:

• "Show no fear," says Gullette. "Although we techie-types have a [not always unfounded] reputation for being socially inept, we can smell fear of technology like sharks smell blood in the water."
  
  
• "Don't worry about making a mistake. I make them all the time, and I spend 10-plus hours a day on a computer," Gullette says. "One of the biggest misconceptions about computers is that you can break something by hitting the wrong button. Almost anything you do short of formatting a disk can be quickly fixed."
  
  Courtesy of the gang at Strategic Management Group Inc., a Philadelphia-based consulting firm that uses technological tools to teach managers business skills, here's some meaningless technical jargon that will confound everybody else but make you sound like a genius:
  
  
• "You can't do that before converting the encapsulated postscript to a run-length-encoded file format. (Duh!)"
  
  
• "Don't forget to spool the syquest at 20 MHz before you do that."
  
  
• "I think I'll apply the meta tag technique and shock this pure Java killer app."
  
  How to Fire Someone (Without Landing Yourself in Court)
  
  You could hire a firing squad. No, really. The country has a number of private investigation firms that will fire an employee for you. But if you'd rather do it yourself, clip and save our handy guide to downsizing. These tips come from George Scharm, the owner of TSS Consulting Group Inc., a full-service private detective and consulting company in Chicago, whom you can hire to fire when you don't have the guts.
  
  Before you pick up the axe . . .
  
  
• Keep documentation of the thin ice that's been cracking underneath your employees. "Because," Scharm says, "if the State Employment Office comes back to you . . ." Yeah, yeah, we don't even want to think about it.
  
  
• Avoid referring to your firm as a family. Warns Scharm: "It sends the wrong message. You're a team, you're an organization that works well together, but you're not a family." Right, and who wants to be disowned by Mom and Dad?
  
  As you swing the axe . . .
  
  
• If an employee is fired in the middle of the woods, will anybody hear him? No-and that's the point. This should be done away from the employee's co-workers, "even if you have to take him or her to a coffee shop," says Scharm. "Do it after hours, before hours or, if there's no other way to do it, on a weekend." Friday is the best day to fire somebody; it gives them the weekend to cool off.
  
  
• Give them dignity. "Don't yell and scream. Don't bring up a laundry list of things they've done wrong over the years," advises Scharm. "Just make it matter-of-fact, that they have not met the contract you've had with them."
  
  Let them vent, be compassionate, but do not engage in a debate. You're not going to unfire them.
  
  Timber!
  
  
• "Never take them back to their desk or locker [in front of their co-workers]," advises Scharm. "That's embarrassing." If you have to, mail them their personal belongings the next day.
  
  
• Don't let them leave empty-handed. Offer to pay for some community college classes or for a few months at a job placement program. Or give them some severance pay. "You want to make sure you're not just throwing them out on the street," says Scharm. "Make it look like you're trying to help them and get their future going again." Unless you want to appear on Court TV.
  
  

This article was originally published in the February 1999 print edition of Entrepreneur with the headline: How To Do Everything Better.