Fine Print
The best ad phrases have already been written.
Readers of this column regularly complain that their ads,
brochures, sales letters, e-mails or Web sites lack a certain spark
they just can't seem to find. I hear the gripe all the time:
"I know it's not as strong as it needs to be, but I
can't seem to come up with the words."
I empathize with those feelings because I've been there
myself. So where do I turn for help when I'm tapped dry of
ideas? Very often, to back issues of newsweeklies, in search of
stories related to the product or service I'm dealing with.
That's because journalists often produce some interesting
wordsmithing that can easily be recast into solid advertising
headlines.
That's my message to Valerie Bennis of New York City. Bennis
operates Essence of Vali Inc., a manufacturer and marketer of
aromatherapy products. The "essence" of Bennis'
advertising message is that the right aromatherapy blend can help
you relax and sleep better. But unfortunately, her brochure cover
is a little too relaxed itself to get that point across with
impact.
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My suggested revised headline is: "On the Verge of Sleep
Bankruptcy?" An explanatory subhead then reads: "New
research suggests that sleep deprivation can be a serious risk to
health. Thankfully, there is a proven non-drug method of restoring
sound sleep and the benefits it can bring." I plucked the
phrase "on the verge of sleep bankruptcy" directly from a
sentence in a story on sleeplessness in U.S. News and World
Report. And, posed as a question, it makes for an evocative
advertising headline. Perhaps it's time to poke through some
back issues yourself.
Before
This brochure
cover offers good copy, but its delicate, sophisticated, diffused
look keeps it from having instant impact.
This copy
features some good salesmanship. But is it strong enough in tone
and manner to have immediate effect?
The overall
graphic impact here is a little too laid-back to grab the attention
of passersby.
After
This headline
is actually a powerful phrase plucked straight from a magazine
article on the subject. See how the message is more potent?
The subhead
points to the urgency of opening the brochure and getting more
information.
This new cover
has the impact required to get the attention of those desensitized
to advertising (meaning everyone).
Jerry Fisher is a freelance advertising copywriter and the
author of Creating Successful Small Business Advertising,
which is available at www.atlasbooks.com. To have your advertising
considered for a makeover in this column, write to Jerry in care of
Entrepreneur or e-mail jerry228@aol.com.
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