Do women business owners succumb to the "nice girl"
syndrome? "My biggest struggle is remembering that it actually
pays to be nice," admits Catherine Meyler, 48, founder of
Meyler &
Co. Inc., a $1.4 million Los Angeles firm that represents
private homes as locations for print, TV and film. "But
there's a thin line between nice and stupid." From the
beginning, Meyler made it a company policy to always be extremely
polite, courteous and respectful, yet at times, she believes she
gave in too easily to client demands or let customers take
advantage of her.
Her solution? "I explain why I am unhappy, but [do it] in a
calm and logical fashion, [suggesting the client] look at this from
my point of view," Meyler says. "This underscores that
I'm willing to help, but they shouldn't expect favors every
time."
"Don't be a doormat," advises Lois P. Frankel,
corporate coach and author of Nice Girls Don't Get Rich: 75 Avoidable
Mistakes Women Make With Money. "Providing outstanding
service and standing up for yourself are not mutually exclusive. Be
willing to walk away from a deal with someone who doesn't treat
you fairly, or to refuse service to someone who has taken advantage
of you in the past."
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One lesson Meyler has learned in the four years she's run
her business is that niceness doesn't always pay. "Clients
would still deal with my competitors even though they complained
about the awful service they received," she says. "I
realized I couldn't rest on my laurels of niceness, and started
to become more firm on certain issues."
For Erika Mangrum, president of Iatria Day Spa in Raleigh, North Carolina, her
niceness affected employee relations. After bending over backward
for a pregnant employee, Mangrum realized all her employees would
expect similar treatment, even to the company's detriment.
"I focus now on being fair and consistent," says
Mangrum. "That's better than being nice. If people know
there are policies and rules to begin with, they understand
decisions better."
Mangrum, 38, recalls a time when she was making an effort to get
tougher with employee policies. She overheard some employees
talking about a new policy she had just implemented, and she swung
to the other side of the behavior spectrum.
"I stormed into the kitchen and said, 'If anyone has an
issue with this, you can see me,' and stormed out,"
Mangrum says, admitting she lost her temper because her feelings
had been hurt. "I behaved inconsistently and drove a wall
between me and [my employees] for two weeks before I
apologized." Now she offers forums for discussion about
policies with her employees and tries to explain the big picture,
choosing to compromise on occasion. "It takes more time to do
that, but it's worth it."
"Many women have adopted the 'nice girl' syndrome
as a result of the expectations and lessons learned in
childhood," explains Trudy Bourgeois, author of Her Corner Office: A Guide to Help Women Find a
Place and a Voice in Corporate America. "Little girls
are taught to play nice, put others first, and always think about
other people's feelings. These behaviors are not bad, but when
misapplied, they can produce a wicked brew filled with frustration,
internal strife and stress," she says. "Women business
owners who are too nice often make bad business decisions,
experience poor relationships and miss opportunities for
success."
Adds Bourgeois, "Accept that your success depends upon your
ability to overcome the 'nice girl' syndrome. You can't
please everyone. You must do what's right for the business and
effectively manage the expectations of others."
Aliza Pilar
Sherman is an author, freelance writer and speaker specializing
in women's issues.