Me first! Putting others' needs before your own can be hazardous to your career and your health.

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ANDREW J. MILISITS JR. THOUGHT HE could do it all. The 36-year-old husband and father of three is an entrepreneur, a soccer coach, and an active member of boards and organizations in the Washington. D.C., area. As the operating manager of the Landover, Maryland-based information technology firm AITHERAS L.L.C., Milisits wore many hats, managing a staff of 25 and responding to the day-to-day needs of employees, clients, and vendors. But last year, when working on a request for proposal for a government contract, Milisits' do-it-all attitude proved costly.

"I missed a key amendment to the RFP that the agency had published on one of its Websites," says Milisits. "The amendment would have completely changed our response." Because of this misstep, the company's bid on a contract worth $5.1 million was disqualified. Losing the contract was disappointing, but Milisits was more disturbed by what he perceived to be the reason for his negligence. "I didn't check that Website because I'd been doing too many other things," he admits.

In a corporate culture where employees are pushed to take on increasing responsibilities and men and women must balance the often conflicting demands of careers and families, it's easy to be stretched too thin by the needs of others. But the consequences of putting other people's needs before your own can be disastrous. A 2005 study by Families and Work Institute, a nonprofit research organization, found that overworked people are more likely to make mistakes at work. But overextending yourself can affect your mental, emotional, and physical health as well. Through a self-assessment or healthcare professional, you may be able to recognize the symptoms of over commitment (see sidebar: Identifying the Problem) in yourself or a loved one. To minimize the detrimental effects related to overextending yourself, and to learn about preventative measures, as well as helpful resources, see sidebars: Countering Chronic Stress and Finding a Solution.

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"People often feel stressed out and overwhelmed and they get to the point where they feel like they're losing control," says Marilyn Martin, a Baltimore psychoanalyst and author of Saving Our Last Nerve: The Black Woman's Path to Mental Health (Hilton Publishing, $15.95). "They then become burned out and depressed." Each year, depression costs the U.S. economy more than $43.7 billion a year in workplace absenteeism, lost productivity, and treatment costs, according to Mental Health America, an Alexandria, Virginia-based nonprofit dedicated to promoting mental wellness across the nation. Additionally, the organization reports that depression contributes to more than 200 million days lost from work per year. In fact, people with depression average 9.9 sick days annually, more than the 5.4 days, 7.2 days, and 7.5 days taken per year by those who suffer from hypertension, diabetes, and heart disease respectively, according to the managed care publication Depression in the Workplace.

A COMMON PROBLEM

Milisits' story is far from uncommon. The Families and Work Institute estimates that one in three employees is chronically overworked. The term "role overload" describes the state in which the demands of a person's multiple roles are too much for that person to handle comfortably.

"People often don't realize how limited their resources and abilities are in any given situation," says Darryl L. Townes, an Atlanta psychologist. "When you allow the demands of life to exceed your abilities and your resources, it's going to cause you undue stress. With too much stress you can get overwhelmed, and that causes physical and emotional problems."

It's important to note that not all stress is harmful. "There's something called eustress and that's when you're under deadline or working on a project and you get that burst of energy to complete the project, but then your stress levels go back down," says Janet E. Taylor, a psychiatrist at New York's Harlem Hospital. "But what's killing people is they don't realize that they're stressed 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. They have this chronic stress and their body is so tense and hyperalert that they don't even realize it. It becomes more like a natural state."

For some, the constant stress of trying to meet too many demands can lead to mistakes, missed deadlines, and a failure to complete promised tasks--all behaviors that can derail a career, says Carl C. Jefferson, president of the National Association of African Americans. in Human Resources. "When you're not performing well, you're impacting your reputation," says Jefferson. "Once others lose confidence in your ability to perform, the probability of someone asking you to do more is very low."

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The stress of putting everyone's needs before your own can also lead to depression and physical illness, says Tyeese Gaines Reid, resident physician at Yale-New Haven Hospital in Connecticut whose tendency to help others but neglect her own needs led to insomnia and depression.

"When you're too busy, it can affect your blood pressure, your heart, and your ability to sleep," says Gaines Reid, who detailed the steps she took to put her needs first in her book The Get A Life Campaign: A Pocket Guide for the Busy Woman Who Wants It All (Infinity Publishing; $10.95). Some overworked people engage in self-destructive behaviors such as overeating, excessive drinking, and [substance abuse], says Martin. "They're trying to cope with the stress that they're under and they're using these ways to escape."

A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH

The physical consequences of putting her job's needs first almost cost Twanna Harris her life. Four years ago, the 35-year-old president of a multicultural brand engagement firm in Atlanta hid her pregnancy for six months from her employer at the time because management had expressed discontent with a previous pregnancy.

"I didn't want them to think I didn't consider the company to be a priority," recalls Hams. "Essentially I neglected my health and tried to hide the doctor's appointments and developed preeclampsia [a disorder characterized by severe hypertension during pregnancy] in my sixth month. I delivered my baby 14 weeks early at a pound and a half, and both her life and mine were within minutes of being taken away."

Harris says the experience changed her. "Will I allow these corporations to run my life or will I make some serious changes?" Harris asked herself after doctors attributed her high blood pressure to work-related stress.

"Many people put others' needs first because they want to avoid conflict," says Townes. "Others want to avoid saying no and looking like the bad person."

African Americans are particularly vulnerable to putting others' needs before their own, says Martin. As we climb the corporate ladder, we often believe that "we're second class and don't really belong there and have to work twice as hard to be there. That has us taking on extra work, doing all these extra hours, and working overtime to try to prove that we belong."

For many professionals, living with stress and anxiety is the norm, so they pile on more demands without realizing that their stress levels are already nearing the breaking point. Before they can change, they must first remember how to relax. "Because people are so chronically stressed, it's important that individuals realize when they're feeling good and relaxed and notice what that feels like," says Taylor. Once people can identify when they're stressed, they can use activities such as yoga, meditation, and deep breathing to calm themselves "so that when their bodies feel tense they can get back to that relaxed state," Taylor adds.

Others take on too many tasks because of a false assumption that they have more control over their lives if they do everything themselves. Even if they acknowledge this assumption, the more difficult task is changing such beliefs, says Monica Blake, a career coach based in Pasadena, California. For example, "if you take on too many tasks as a method of maintaining control, you have to learn how to need less control over everything in your life," says Blake.

The first step to changing a belief is acknowledging how that belief has hurt you in the past. For Milisits, that meant taking responsibility for the disqualified proposal. "Instead of me sulking and pointing the blame at others, I realized the role I played," he says. The next step is to take a new action. Milisits says immediately following their proposal's disqualification, the team looked into outsourcing. "I realized I couldn't do it all myself' he says. Asking others for help is a key way to stop overextending yourself, but in some situations, drastic change may be needed. Harris, for example, left her job for one that was more family-friendly and then ultimately opened her own marketing firm, Brand Boutique.

"If you can't be the very best for yourself, then you don't have much to offer anyone else," says Blake. "So, in being the best that you can be for you, you ultimately add more value to the lives of others."

RESOURCES

If you think you're overextended, the following books and organizations, may help.

* Saving Our Last Nerve: The Black Woman's Path to Mental Health by Marilyn Martin (Hilton Publishing, $16,95)

* The Get A Life Campaign: A Pocket Guide for the Busy Who Wants it All by Tyeese Gaines Reid (Infinity Publishing; $10.95)

* Black Men and Depression by John Head (Harlem Moon; $12.95)

* Mental Health America (www.nmha.org), formerly known as the National Mental Health Association

* American Institute of Stress (www.stress.org)

* National Institute Of Mental Health (www.nimh.nih.gov)

IDENTIFYING THE PROBLEM

While some stress is normal, here are signs that you may be overextending yourself

Physical

You may experience headaches, backaches, a racing heart, shortness of breath, or sleeplessness. "If you don't get enough sleep, everything is amplified," says author Tyeese Gaines Reid. "You're super stressed out, you're jumping off the deep end at every little thing, and there are diseases that are linked to stress alone--high blood pressure. thyroid problems, even heart attacks."

Mental

The ability to concentrate and focus on the task at hand can be compromised when you're overextended. As a result, missed deadlines, careless mistakes, and forgetfulness are common.

Emotional

According to the Families and Work Institute, people who feel overworked are more likely to feel angry at their employers and resent co-workers who don't work as hard as they do. "You might feel irritable, angry, and find yourself arguing all the time," says psychoanalyst Marilyn Martin.

Behavior

"You might notice some changes n your appetite, like you're eating all the time or you're losing your appetite," says Martin. Likewise, you may engage in escapist behavior such as drinking, drugs, excessive sex, shopping, or gambling to distract yourself.

COUNTERING CHRONIC STRESS

Whether you're adjusting to a company restructuring or coping With a family member's illness, there are going to be periods during your life when chronic--or ongoing--stress will be unavoidable, says psychiatrist Janet E. Taylor. Here, Taylor offers some ways to help lower your stress levels and ease your mind and body:

Deep breathing: Take 10 deep breaths through your nose with your mouth closed, Deep breathing slows your heart rate, and focusing on your breathing brings your awareness to how your body is feeling.

Muscle relaxation: Stand up and lean as far forward as you can. Hake yourself as tense as possible without falling for 10 seconds. Then stand up straight, square the shoulders, take some deep breaths, and let your body go limp. The result is what it is like to feel relaxed.

Healthy diet: There is no substitute for regular exercise and eating a nutritious diet. And, if you are going through a stressful time or working a difficult job, it is even more critical for you to maintain proper eating habits as well as routinely participate in physical activity.

FINDING A SOLUTION

If you suspect you're overextending yourself, psychoanalyst Marilyn Martin offers these steps that may help:

Track your feeling and behavior. Monitor how often you feel overwhelmed and write it down, "When you journal, it strengthens the part of you that observes your behavior," says psychoanalyst Marilyn Martin, That way, you know how often you feel stressed and are aware of how you handle that stress.

Counter feeling of guilt. Many people feel that they're letting others down when they say 'no,' "but saying yes to everybody is being cruel to yourself," says Martin When you start to feel guilty, remind yourself that it's OK to put your needs first.

Create a supporting cast. Pass personal responsibilities to family members, or considering outside help such as a cleaning service. At work, delegate responsibilities that aren't crucial to your role. "Think of it as giving somebody else the opportunity to say 'yes,'" says Martin.

Exercise. Physical activity is not on y good for your physical health but it "increases your endorphins, which help you feel better, and it's also important in terms of helping prevent depression," says Martin.

Seek professional help. If you're engaging in self-destructive behavior such as alcoholism drug abuse, or gambling, contact an addiction support group or mental health professional. Likewise, if you've tried multiple times to stop a certain behavior and have been unsuccessful, a psychologist can help.