What You Should Actually Do If You're Accused of Gaslighting Gaslighting is a negative term that can follow you forever. You need to fight back before the label sticks.
By Ryan Droste Edited by Jessica Thomas
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The term gaslighting has become much more common in our discourse over the past several years. The word has become so commonly used that Merriam-Webster ranked it as the word of the year for 2022, with search activity increasing at a rate of 1,740%.
Merriam-Webster defines gaslighting as the "psychological manipulation of a person usually over an extended period of time that causes the victim to question the validity of their thoughts, perception of reality or memories." The term gaslighting is commonly used in political speech, often to criticize a politician or political committee's messaging. But it's increasingly used in daily life, especially in the workplace. However, it's often misused.
Yes, gaslighting refers to lying or manipulation, but the person accused of gaslighting must also be denying others' sense of reality across several instances. Gaslighting refers to a very specific manipulation style, typically used by someone who is in a position of power or authority. As such, the term should be used carefully and accurately when labeling an individual's actions and behavior.
"I see it as one party distorting information and preying upon another's vulnerability," says Angela Corbo, associate professor and chair of communication studies at Widener University.
Examples of gaslighting at the office
The most common place an accusal of gaslighting might happen is at the workplace. Often, a superior will gaslight someone into taking the blame for something. Even if the employee's memory is clear on what happened, a coworker or superior will attempt to get them to disregard what they thought happened and start believing an alternate story. The gaslighter attempts to achieve a new reality for their benefit.
Gaslighting is a form of bullying, and emotions are not a factor for someone who is attempting to gaslight.
"It can be difficult to trust people in the future or to connect with people. You often feel very disconnected from yourself because of this experience of feeling out of touch with what's real and what's not," says Naomi Torres-Mackie, a psychologist at Lenox Hill Hospital in New York City and head of research at the Mental Health Coalition
Related: How to Recognize and Work With Narcissistic Leaders
What to do if you are accused of gaslighting
The word gaslighting carries a lot of weight in today's world, so if you are accused of it, you need to react strongly if your actions do not fit the definition. It's hard to shake the reputation of being someone who gaslights their coworkers or employees, so responding adequately and immediately is important.
First and foremost, strive to create a work environment that is inclusive, safe and where active listening is commonplace. Listen to your coworker or employee's concerns. If you believe that gaslighting is not the proper term for what has been going on, give an example of what that would look like in comparison (but do not dismiss their concerns about what has already occurred). Defend yourself against the label while taking into account what has admittedly occurred.
Take responsibility for your actions, apologize and come up with a plan to improve interactions with the employee in question. Defend against the gaslighting label while also acknowledging the wrongdoing that has taken place. Owning up to one's mistakes, especially if you're a superior, will do wonders for creating an environment of trust and mutual respect.
Gaslighters often accuse others of the behavior
One of the most common examples of false accusal related to gaslighting often comes from someone guilty of that behavior themselves.
There are several reasons this could happen. Someone who is gaslighting might accuse another of doing so to distract from their behavior, which subconsciously they recognize as being negative. According to Psychology Today, this false accusation is a classic example of manipulation.
"The goal is to keep you so busy defending yourself and being emotionally distraught that you don't have enough time to pay attention to the gaslighter's own behavior," says Stephanie A. Sarkis, Ph.D.
Another reason this could occur is because of the guilt that the individual in question feels. The gaslighter can't own up to the problem, so they accuse another of the behavior instead — this is called projecting.
Related: How to Deal with a Toxic Coworker
Using restorative justice to address the problem
The technique of restorative justice, which is implemented in schools across the country to handle student behaviors and conflict, can be used to handle this type of situation. The two individuals should first come together for a non-adversarial, restorative meeting. They should be joined by a neutral party from the workplace community to help facilitate the discussion as a mediator. This technique focuses more on mediation and agreement rather than punishment or conflict from one's actions, and each person needs to take responsibility for their actions while also actively listening to the concerns of the other person.
The purpose here is to focus on what has gone wrong, achieve mutual agreement and focus on how to re-integrate back into the workplace and move forward with a new perspective. Any harm that was created in the events leading up to the meeting should be addressed and resolved so that better decisions can be made in the future.
Through this facilitated process, both sides have a chance to have their concerns heard in a meaningful way. This also gives the workplace community the power to solve their problems and disputes rather than facing punishment without resolution. The person who felt harmed (gaslit or wrongly accused of gaslighting) can voice their concerns, while the person who might have caused harm can more meaningfully see how their actions have resulted in problems, thus taking accountability for their actions.
In the end, both people involved in the conflict (and a representative from the workplace) construct a plan that is fair, realistic and achievable moving forward. Through this discussion, a wrongful gaslighting accusation can be shed, with the label being thrown out as the conflict is resolved and both coworkers re-enter the workplace in a restorative manner.
Related: 4 Ways to Stop Passive Aggression From Creating a Toxic Workplace
