Neuropsychologist Reveals a 'Counterintuitive' Way to Combat Any Toxic Relationship Dr. Julia DiGangi, author of 'Energy Rising,' breaks down how to work through the most difficult dynamics.
By Amanda Breen Edited by Jessica Thomas
Toxicity in the workplace could be hurting your mental and physical health.
Just last year, U.S. surgeon general Vivek H. Murthy warned that abusive work environments might have a negative effect on human health and outlined several ways to address the issue — from work-life harmony to opportunity for growth, per The Washington Post.
Of course, to solve a problem, we must first recognize it: How can we know if we're stuck in a toxic professional setting?
According to neuropsychologist and author of Energy Rising Dr. Julia DiGangi, toxic workplaces are caused by toxic relationships within the workplace, and the feeling of "disempowerment" is at the root of it all. Essentially, it's a combination of our brain experiencing negative feelings (anxiety, fear, stress, etc.) and the idea that we have no way out of the situation, she says.
"Toxic relationships in the workplace aren't going to be litigated in court; they're going to be processed by your nervous system," DiGangi explains. "So, whether or not you're actually in a 'toxic' relationship doesn't really matter. By the time you're asking yourself, Is this a toxic relationship?' you're already in a significant amount of emotional distress."
DiGangi coaches many leaders and says that the No. 1 issue her clients want to address is stress in their relationships with their coworkers.
Related: If You Do Any of These 3 Things, You Might Be a Toxic Co-Worker
Fortunately, once you determine a relationship isn't serving you, you can take some practical steps to improve the dynamic. But DiGangi notes that leading yourself through difficult relationships often means relying on "counterintuitive" strategies.
One effective yet counterintuitive approach involves reclaiming your power by "gently" asking yourself, What are the ways I am contributing to this relational dynamic?
"Plenty of pain can be inflicted upon us in our relationships — this is, for example, what interpersonal trauma is," DiGangi says. "However, a significant amount of pain in relationships comes when we abandon ourselves."
DiGangi suggests asking yourself five questions to reflect. Are there often times in your life when you:
- Want to say "no" but instead say yes?
- Want to rest but instead overwork?
- Want to speak up but instead keep your mouth shut?
- Want to trust yourself but instead defer to others?
- Want to respect your boundaries, but instead people-please?
"Something surprisingly calming and empowering happens when we recognize that we often act as the main perpetrators of our misery," DiGangi says. "A key feature of 'toxic' relationships is a lack of control. When we get clear on the ways we cause pain to ourselves, we realize we have a lot of power in its lasting resolution — and this, with time, feels like profound relief."
Related: 12 Ways Successful People Handle Toxic People | Entrepreneur
DiGangi says that most relationships, including our professional ones, aren't meant to last forever — and when they do end, you'll come out "emotionally stronger or emotionally weaker."
"When we leave relationships from a place of desire, we leave because we want more satisfying, expansive things for ourselves," DiGangi explains. "For example, maybe you desire deeper connections, more creative work, more adventure, more play or more fulfilling conversations. These are beautiful, empowering reasons to leave."
Alternatively, departing "in the energy of blame," with accusations and bitterness, weakens our emotional power, DiGangi says — "which then — ironically enough — deepens the very sense of powerlessness we're trying to escape."
