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How well does your family communicate? Consider thesesituations: 1. When you and a family member have tension at work,do you communicate your feelings directly to one another? 2. Whenyou have a business discussion with your family, do you spend moretime presenting your own viewpoint than listening to others? 3. Arethere some family members whose overpowering manner intimidatesothers? 4. Do you or other family members have difficultydisagreeing with each other? 5. When talking to another familymember about a business issue, do you sometimes feel there'smore to the discussion than the issue at hand? 6. Are there"undiscussable" topics you and your family never talkabout because they stir up unpleasant memories or are too"hot" to handle (such as someone's substance abuseproblem)? 7. When someone does something well, do you and otherfamily members make it a point to compliment each other? 8. Do youand your family members often laugh together?
If you answered yes to questions 1, 7 and 8 and no to theothers, read no further. You have reached a communicationspinnacle. Much like the four Shooster "kids," who overseeoperations at Communications Service Centers, a call centerspecializing in distributing information and fulfilling productorders for a variety of clients, you probably learned the art ofcommunication early on.
"We don't go through a psychoanalytical process when wetalk to each other," says Stephen Shooster, president of theMargate, Florida, company founded by his parents. "We learnedhow to get along from the time we were in the playpen. By now, weknow which buttons to push and which to stay away from."
But that's not true of all families. If your responses tothe quiz above include some yeses that should have been noes (orthe reverse), don't be discouraged.
"Most people don't communicate well," observes SamLane, a Ft. Worth, Texas, family business consultant and co-authorof Working With Family Businesses (Jossey-Bass). For families whohaven't learned to communicate (or who mislearned the process),it can be relearned. "But it requires a commitment thatincludes unpacking emotional baggage by resolving issues that werenever resolved in childhood and learning new communicationskills," says Lane.
What if you're the only one in the family willing to takethe time to improve communication? You and the company can stillbenefit. A single good communicator can act as a role model forothers. Says Lane: "He or she can direct communicationtraffic, making the process less tangled."
Take The Lead
Because a few simple changes in how you communicate can make atremendous difference to the entire family, it's worth makingthe effort.
1. Paraphrase the speaker. Most people aren't skilledlisteners, so they may hear what is said but not understand it.That can lead to conflict, especially among family members who,because of their familiarity, think they can read each other'sminds.
One way to enhance listening is to get in the habit ofparaphrasing. After a family member finishes a thought, Lanesuggests using one of the following phrases to check yourunderstanding: "So what you are saying is . . ." "Inother words . . ." or "Let me check my understanding ofwhat you're saying . . . ." If you don't capture theessence of what the person said, he or she repeats it, and youparaphrase until you get it.
2. Talk face to face. Directly communicating yourfeelings isn't always easy. But when Mom talks to Dad about sonJohn, or John talks to one sibling about another, information getsdistorted (as in the childhood game of telephone). And because youare dealing indirectly with problems, they rarely get solved.Direct confrontation later ("I hear you have a complaintagainst me") is better than nothing at all, but by thenit's usually too late; there are already hurt feelings.
Confronting each other is hard, but it's the only way tomeaningful communication, and straightforward doesn't have tomean brutal. As long as the basic rules of a healthy discussion areobserved-respecting each other, maintaining self-control so youdon't say things you don't mean, and avoiding personalattacks-confrontation can lead to constructive problem-solving,says Mary Whiteside, a psychologist and family business consultantaffiliated with the Ann Arbor Center for the Family in Ann Arbor,Michigan.
3. Make statements, not accusations. When you face offwith someone you're in conflict with, often the first worduttered is "You . . ." followed by accusations. Lanesuggests using a three-step technique to bypass accusations: Startby describing what the other is doing ("The last three timesyou came into the shop, you started issuing orders to me in frontof everyone"), how it makes you feel ("I feel demoralizedin front of my department-as if I'm a little kid"), andwhat you would prefer instead ("One thing that might work isif you come into my office to speak to me privately, or call me onthe phone and ask me to come to yours").
However useful these exercises are, family businesses plagued bydivisive, unfruitful or sparse communication need more help thanthey can provide themselves. For these problems, professional helpfrom family business advisors and communication consultants shouldbe sought.
Contact Source
Patricia Schiff Estess publishes the newsletter WorkingFamilies and is the author of two new books, Managing AlternativeWork Arrangements (Crisp Publications) and Money Advice for YourSuccessful Remarriage (Betterway Press).
