The Top 2% Swear By This Negotiation Tactic Most People Overlook One of the most powerful negotiating skills you can possess is seeing the situation from the other person's point of view and then separating the positions from the problems.
By Mark Klekas Edited by Mark Klekas
"In order for me to win, you have to lose."
Many negotiations revolve around the idea that one party has to win while the other is made a fool in the transaction.
People say negotiating is an art form; a subtle game of revealing information tactfully until both parties are comfortable walking away with what is offered. You'll tell others about how you negotiated — for your salary, a used car or to put an offer down on a house. And all those people will have an opinion on whether or not you "won" in the negotiation.
Our staff has talked to some of the highest-paid, most successful entrepreneurs. What we've identified as a key competitive advantage to their success is their ability to negotiate and make a deal.
But the secret to negotiation success is going in with a different mentality than you might expect. For example, billionaire J. Paul Getty is quoted as saying:
My father said: 'You must never try to make all the money that's in a deal. Let the other fellow make some money, too, because if you have a reputation for always making all the money, you won't have many deals.'
Many people don't think there's an ethical way to approach negotiations. However, those who are in the top 2% know it's not about cheating someone or always getting your way. Some people do that and achieve some measure of success. But the ones who make it to the top 2% and stay there are the ones who know how to collaborate and negotiate equitably. Here are some tips for ethical negotiating that will help you drive results and build relationships that many overlook:
There is no objective right or wrong
It all comes down to perspective; there is no right or wrong regarding who gets what in a negotiation. The best thing you can do is try to understand the other party as much as possible. It's easy to focus on what you want and how you can win in this exchange, but remember what the other person wants and needs. The goal is to help them get what they want as much as they want.
Related: The Highest-Paid, Highest-Profile People In Every Field Know This Communication Strategy
Most people think you need to get at the objective truth of what is happening. Many people will do research and find facts and data to support their viewpoints. But ultimately, the conflict lies not in objective reality but in peoples' minds. Discovering the facts might not solve the problem at all. Both parties could agree on the facts but might still disagree about how they impact the negotiation.
Speak their language
The trick is to use the communication style you think resonates most with the person you are negotiating with. For example, describe how it impacts you financially if you're not dealing with someone who talks about feelings. Finding your best argument has to do with how well you know the other party and what is going to move the needle. Make sure that you are clear that your perspective is your experience, not the absolute truth. The top 2% have emotional intelligence and know how to read a room and other people.
Separate the positions from the problem
This is a key step in negotiating tactfully. It's not about whose position is better or right. You have to separate that and identify the problem that needs solving.
You might say: "Ok, so you and I see some things differently here. I see it this way, and your perception is this. But the fact is, we both want to see this problem solved."
You're inviting the other party to move the conflict from "me vs. you" into "us vs. the problem." One of the most powerful negotiating skills you can possess is the ability to see the situation from the other person's point of view and then separate the positions from the problems.
Choose honey over vinegar
You'll do better with honey than vinegar, but the honey must be genuine. Never underestimate the natural ability of other people to sense who you really are. People are smart, and they will pick up with you are being disingenuous, manipulative or secretive in the exchange. When negotiating, you, too, can sense if the other party's values are subpar or lack integrity altogether.
Embody your inner adult
Never forget that everyone has an inner adult and an inner child. We've seen how even high-level business deals break down because someone at the table starts thinking childishly, instigating that behavior in others. When you see this happening, remember that everyone goes out of balance.
Be the stable anchor, the respectful person at the table. Helping people come back into balance is often best done by example. Take the high road, embodying your inner adult. Seek to understand.
Don't let it get heated
If things start to get heated or emotional, take a break. A short water or walk break can cool things down significantly. Or offer to revisit the negotiation after a little time. There is nothing wrong with that. If the conversation starts to go back to right and wrong positions, draw the attention back to the "us vs. the problem" framing.
Don't be afraid of negative emotions, but channel them to the solution instead of letting them derail the negotiation. Statements like "I'm starting to feel frustrated right now. May we take a break?" or "You seem to be getting angry. Do you need a break?" can go a long way to staying cooperative with the other party.
Conclusion
Win-wins are the only way to go. If you approach a negotiation thinking only of yourself, you are a terrible negotiator. Understanding what all parties need and working for all concerned is vital. Keep in mind that seeing things in only black and white (win-lose) creates limited thinking; creativity is essential to good negotiation. Ultimately, everyone involved should find themselves on the same side of the fence. You want to be a player, not a pain. Keep your eye on the big picture and don't get caught up in the small stuff. Stay out of the weeds.
This story was excerpted from the book The Top 2 Percent. Buy it now from Entrepreneur Bookstore | Amazon | Barnes & Noble.
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