The Next Time Someone Intimidates You, Here's What You Should Do There will always be someone above you, but whether you give them power over you is your choice. This leadership consultant shares the best ways to reframe the situation to give yourself an edge.

Someone is more powerful than you.

Maybe they're a boss, an executive, or a big client. Talking to them can be intimidating because you're always aware of the power imbalance between the two of you. But you must speak up — to contribute in meetings, to ask for a raise, and for many other reasons.

So how can you do it?

First, recognize the problem: "All we can see is the other person's power, and guess what that does to our role?" says leadership consultant Selena Rezvani, author of the new book Quick Confidence. "It tends to shrink it and make it very small."

The solution, therefore, is to look beyond that imbalance: "Work with the person, not the power," she says. In the following conversation, she explains how to do that.

How should we start to wrap our heads around dealing with people that we find intimidating?

The most common powerful person is a direct authority figure. Somebody who has some control over day-to-day and who you might ask for something — like a raise, or for that leadership role, etc. In situations like this, it's better to focus on your competence than your confidence; focus on the value you bring and what you have to offer.

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It's about quantifying things. We've all heard it's important to quantify your value, but you want to make it really hard to argue with what you're saying. So focus on things like bringing in 40,000 impressions or onboarding 10 new employees. Focus on your competence with individuals you find intimidating and come prepared, ready to use this time well.

How do you separate the person and the power?

This is a human being that you can foster a connection with. One of the things you can do in a situation with somebody like that is apply "just-like-me" thinking.

You say things like, "This person has needed to be courageous just like me. This person has wanted to make a good first impression, just like me. This person has felt nervous and unsure of their words, just like me." The more you can do that and even see the person doing the ordinary — picking that kind of healthyish breakfast choice, having to get out of bed when they're feeling grumpy on a Monday — it brings them down to size and makes them human, even if you need to have fun with it.

What about dealing with someone who enjoys their power?

It can feel like a dance, but there's this saying that applies here: "If you put somebody up on a pedestal, don't be surprised if they start to look down on you."

You need to see the downsides of putting them up there and yourself down here. It's not going to do you any favors. I encourage people to speak peer to peer in a professional way. Respect their time, be prepared with your ideas or the questions you have of them, and approach it peer to peer — like somebody you respect but are speaking to at your level.

But what if they really like being powerful? Like, they don't want you to try speaking on their level?

Get an agreement from somebody like that.

It means setting the table with a premise you both share. "Would you agree that it's problematic? We're having so many employees leave our department, would you agree?" "Yes. Yeah, I would." Getting their buy-in and finding that common ground can be helpful.

There's not much you can do to change them or their style, but I think it's important you continue to contribute. The worst thing you can do is shut down and slink out of the room. Most of the time, intimidation is a little bit them, and it's a little bit you.

What mistakes do people tend to make when they're engaging with more powerful than them?

Here's one, and it's basic verbal self-defense. It's when somebody comes in with an intrusive question, feeling a compulsion like you have to answer. So when somebody says something rude or intrusive — "Why don't you have kids yet? When are you going to get a real job?" — our instinct is to defend.

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When you're in this situation, you have to learn that you don't have to answer the question. You can try the technique of making a comment about the question, which invalidates the question in a way. You can ask a question about the question or say something cheeky like, "Wouldn't you like to know?" We can get at this in many ways, from diffusing it with humor, changing the subject, or asking a question instead of answering. There's power in protecting your peace.

There's also a great technique called Gray Rock. Gray Rock is for those characters who ask lots of intrusive questions, like gossips who want to stir up power dramas. When you use Gray Rock, you answer them with very little affect or emotion, like a gray rock. So when they come to you, "Guess what? I have to tell you the dirt on so-and-so." You're like, "Huh?"

You always have a choice. You always have a choice about whether you shut down the situation or get involved.

We've talked about dealing with external people. What about our relationship with ourselves?

Most people I talk to often deal with a not-so-nice character, and that's a very harsh inner critic. I've actually named mine Marjorie. Marjorie's really severe, not friendly, inspecting your home, projects, and work. And guess what? Marjorie's doing me no favors. I had to start seeing her as a helicopter parent. She has good intentions but too much harshness if things didn't go just right. And she's just critical.

Related: How to Overcome Imposter Syndrome and Tame Your Inner Critic

I encourage people to do that so they can find more of a self-coach. The point isn't to live a life where you're never rattled or you surmount self-doubt. It's to be able to face those self-doubts that will keep coming and coach yourself through it.

I think that's been important for me — to find a kind of Ted Lasso figure inside me, like a sports coach. You think about the best supportive sports coach. They're not just there to hammer you for your weaknesses. They're there to catch you doing good and, "Oh, I saw what you did there and that was a good start. Try it this way next time." We will all get a lot further if we have that kind of supportive, more understanding voice.

If someone's feeling powerless right now, what's their first step?

I would love for you to think about this thought and repeat it to yourself: I 400% belong in this interview, boardroom, job meeting, venture capital, whatever it may be. You need to affirm your own belonging. First, you seem powerful in your own eyes, and then you seem powerful in other people's eyes. You really need to start there.

To hear an extended version of this conversation, listen to the Entrepreneur podcast Problem Solvers.