D'oh! Business Blunders from The Simpsons

Business Tips from Moe, Mr. Burns and More

Comic Book Guy
The Android's Dungeon & Baseball Card Shop
The surprisingly intelligent and learned Comic Book Guy has smartly positioned himself as the cultural critic of the culturally devoid Springfield. Though he doesn't garner the respect of anyone but impressionable geeky kids like Millhouse, sci-fi dorks, fellow MENSA members and Renaissance Faire participants, his catchphrase "Worst episode ever!" has made him and his store Springfield institutions.

Biggest Accomplishments: Purchasing Bart's soul; bilking Martin's mother out of precious Star Wars memorabilia for a cool $5

Success Secret: "While most Springfieldians believe I am just the rotund 'nerd' who purveys comic books in an attempt to pollute the minds and empty the pockets of their youth, it is their inferior intellect that allows me to rule with an iron fist--at least in my own store."

Biggest Mistake: "Without a doubt, succumbing to the frailties of my fleshy mortal shell and having the worst cardiac episode ever, and then allowing the formerly banned Bart and Millhouse to ruin my store while I tried to de-stress in the arms of my beloved sex-agenarian, Agnes Skinner."

Moe Syzslak
Moe's Tavern

The dingy, ratty, infested pit that is Moe's Tavern is actually the center of Springfield social life--at least for Homer and his pals Barney, Lenny and Carl. Moe has tried more than once to turn his tavern into an establishment that doesn't terrify women and make children cry, including a turn as a trendy nightclub and a revamp as a family-friendly restaurant that was ruined when Moe started screaming at everyone. But squalor, beer, sticky floors and ancient pickled eggs are more up Moe's alley.

Biggest Accomplishments: Stealing Homer's recipe for the Flaming Homer (secret ingredient: kid's cough syrup); having Aerosmith play at his bar; staying open as a speakeasy during prohibition; his four loyal patrons somehow surviving all that liver damage and drunk driving

Success Secret: "Serve the scumbags their beer and stay one step ahead of the restraining orders. I ain't no good at nothin' else, and I always says, 'Focus on your strengths.'"

Biggest Mistakes: "Other than not killing myself? I'd hafta say yelling at that brat whose 'teef hurt.'" Wasn't my shining moment. But I shoulda never let those squawkin' rugrats in my joint. You can put that cold sodie where the sun ain't ever shined, kid!"

Mr. Burns
Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, assorted monopolies
The arch villain of Springfield rules his empire with an arthritic fist, often forgetting the names of his employees, but never neglecting to swindle customers and obtain more money and power. His right-hand man--and secret admirer--Smithers takes care of the details, like ensuring Burns doesn't keel over mid-power grab.

Biggest accomplishments: Maintaining a stranglehold over Springfield's power supply; keeping his employees in terror; not dying

Success Secret: Burns was too busy masterminding a new evil plan and distracting the nuclear safety commissioner from completing the annual inspection to conduct an interview with us. But Burns' advice is already in the annals of business management theory--or at least it should be: "Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to stay in business."

Biggest Mistakes: We think this may have been the question that led to Burns refusing our interview request. So we'll hazard our own answer: Being ruthlessly evil and greedy, or employing Homer Simpson. It's a toss up.

The Simpsons
Mr. Plow, Simpson & Son's Patented Revitalizing Tonic and Pretzel Wagon, among others
Perhaps more than any other family in sitcom land, the Simpsons are an entrepreneurial bunch. Homer sees all situations as potential money-making opportunities, and Bart is following in his footsteps. Homer has gone into business with his father, and his long-lost brother, Herb, was a successful entrepreneur--at least until he met Homer. Even Marge ventured into franchising with a pretzel wagon.

The abbreviated list of the many Simpsons' ventures includes: selling rides on the elephant Bart won in a contest; selling sugar found in the street after a traffic accident; plowing snow; selling Grandpa's love tonic; running an internet business, which was bought out by Bill Gates; selling kitchen grease to rendering plants; bootlegging beer during prohibition; offering security services; running a daycare center; and selling tickets to see an unearthed angel fossil.

Biggest Accomplishments: Mr. Plow, until the snow thawed; the daycare center, until Homer was forbidden to see the children and kidnapped a few of them; the grease business, until groundskeeper Willie found out Bart and Homer were taking his "retirement grease"

Success Secret: "If at first you don't succeed--d'oh!--try again the next time you find some free junk in the road." --Homer J. Simpson

Biggest Mistakes: "All the ones where I got arrested .or bankrupted .or in trouble with Fat Tony." --Homer J. Simpson

Editor's note: The Simpsons characters were too busy promoting their new movie to actually talk with us about their entrepreneurial ventures. Their responses have been fabricated for your entertainment.

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