I recognize that by writing a blog about how to not write a blog, many of you might be tempted to say, "Yours is the perfect example of how not to do it." But you would be wrong. My blogs, in fact, are award-winning, most recently awarded the "Most Amazing Blogs in the History of All Time," which is actually true because you can make anything on Photoshop.
However, because everyone on the planet is now a blogger (which sounds to me like a word that would better describe a bloated jogger), I thought it might be helpful to share a few tips about how to write the worst possible blog you can. Everyone strives for success, you know, and you don't want to be just like everyone else, do you? After all, if everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?
So here goes:
1. Write everything in one long paragraph.
I want you to know that I briefly contemplated demonstrating this one by writing this entire post as a single paragraph, but then I realized that nobody would publish it even if they would have otherwise liked it. And who could blame them? Given how much information we're all constantly bombarded with, it often happens that people make decisions based on first impressions rather than a thorough reading of whatever you're sending them. And from a visual standpoint, a single long paragraph suggests that you don't even know enough about English to break your thoughts into discrete pieces, much less organize them more intricately into a compelling argument others would be eager to read. And if you can leave out punctuation altogether--congratulations! You're 11.
2. Focus almost entirely on selling something.
It's fine to mention products or services you can provide--we all know that, to a certain extent, everyone who writes a blog is trying to sell something somehow to somebody. But there's a difference between "making others aware of a product or service you could provide" and "sounding like a market barker at a Moroccan bazaar." Several bloggers I know recommend that the sales part of your blog should occupy less than 20 percent of your time, and some of them recommend as little as 10 percent. Which is why everything you do everything you can to sell something in every sentence. The more your readers realize that you think of them only as a potential source of money, the more they'll realize that your posts probably aren't worth reading. Which will save them a lot of time--which means you've helped them.
3. Talk more about your problems than whatever subjects your readers might be personally interested in.
In the sense that a blog is kinda-sorta like a diary, it might make sense for you to focus on how mean Becky was to you today in gym class. Trust me--I hate Becky, too. But in the sense that a blog is published for the entire freaking world to see, as opposed to hiding underneath your bed in a book with a tinfoil lock on it, your blog should probably focus on the kinds of issues that appeal to others. Seriously, if you need to whine about your problems, stick to Facebook. That's approximately 41 percent of what it's for.
I'm sure I missed a few key concepts, but this will definitely provide you the foundation you need to become the blogging equivalent of a phishing attack. That's all for today--but don't forget to check out all the sweet deals on my website! Act now and for a limited time you'll get 70 percent off EVERYTHING WE HAVE TO SELL IT'S CRAZY THIS IS THE BEST DEAL EVER YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO CLICK ON MY WEBSITE PLEASE!