Stop the presses! Even as media speculation and fan excitement heat up over the first installment in the brand-new "Star Wars" film series--set to hit theaters a mere two years from now--we have been fortunate enough to intercept a top-secret memo that appears to have been issued by none other than Darth Vader himself. (Yes, we know he appeared to have died in "Return Of The Jedi" but . . . details, details . . .) At the risk of being struck by a light saber, we henceforth divulge the Dark Knight's missive.
"To: Empire stormtroopers
Re: New `Star Wars' films
Based on the box office success enjoyed by the recent theatrical re-release of our original "Star Wars" movie trilogy, we're expecting tremendous worldwide enthusiasm for the next trilogy--currently in development. As you are aware, this next trilogy will focus on my pre-Vader years as Anakin Skywalker. My partner in Jedi, Ben ("Obi-Wan") Kenobi, is featured as well. Even that annoying mechanical pair, R2-D2 and C-3PO, is back in action.
Directed by George Lucas, this first installment in the new series will descend upon the galaxy in May 1999. Prepare for long theater lines. Prepare for media frenzy. Never doubt: The Force is with us."