Glitter? Pffft. It’s the stuff of kindergarten, not revenge. It’s too light, sparkly and cute to make your enemies pay, particularly if they’re jackass neighbors. You know the kind: Inconsiderate punks all about that bass at all hours of the night, loudly banging more than their heads like they just don’t care.
No, for the overachieving jerks next door, you gotta to stick it to them with something meaner, something that stinks of shame, something realllly special: sticky notes. And not the wimpy kind your boss litters your proposals with. Big, bad, perfectly passive-aggressive sticky notes the size of a full sheet of paper. The kind expressly printed to publicly shame lame neighbors for rude, lewd or just plain annoying behaviors.
They’re called Bad Neighbour Notes and you can stick ‘em where the sun shines -- right on your neighbors’ front doors for all to see. Then sneak away, quick like a bunny, before anyone sees you.
They’re your best, non-incriminating bet for keeping naughty neighbors in check, so says Sean Mayers, the evil genius behind the latest wacky entrant into the budding anonymous, nonviolent revenge market. (Yes, it’s a thing, not a load of cow crud.) The best part? You get to make Johnny Rotten Neighbor feel bad and he’ll never know it’s you. Hopefully.
Mayers, a Toronto-based realtor and amateur stand-up comedian, thinks his customizable marks of shame will “strike a chord” with people who, you know, just can’t deal with mature, face-to-face adult confrontation, a.k.a cowards. Not the mean ones, though.
“An anonymous note with a sarcastic message is the least mean way to vent your frustration with a neighbor,” Mayers told Entrepreneur, “without ending up in jail for assault.”
The 45-year-old launched his convenient, prefab modern day Scarlet Letters today on Kickstarter, with a random funding goal of $2,891. At the time this was written, 12 people, probably conflict-averse milksops, had backed the 28-day campaign.
The lovingly illustrated nastygrams call out a laundry list of common kvetches people have with their neighbors, with obvious categories like “barking dog,” “loud music,” “people arguing,” “weird food smells” and, the vilest shame cave in the bunch, “loud sex.” Each brightly-colored, adhesive 4”x6” demerit is stamped with a bold, scornful headline to “let them know you mean business.”
Pick the one that fits the crime, circle the time and the day of the week your neighbor screwed with your zen, oh-so-gently slap it on their door and feel the passive aggression satisfyingly flood your yellow veins. Phew. “No more need for hand written [sic], anger-filled notes in illegible handwriting. Let’s see a police hand-writing [sic] expert prove it was you now ;)”
Bad Neighbour Notes aren’t quite the hilarious reads that these pissed-off neighbor love notes are. Still, they're just harsh enough to cost your neighbors their dignity, but, mild guilt aside, they won’t cost you much. Various package deals are available for $9, $15 and $25, including -- oh, boy! -- a NSFW bonus edition. More like NSIYLYJ -- Not Safe If You Like Your Job.
Mayers, a self-professed lifelong inventor-entrepreneur, says the inspiration for the neighbor-shaming notes are, you guessed it, his own super crappy neighbors. A “yappy little dog” barks non-stop while he works from his apartment all day, he says, and his upstairs neighbor constantly stomps on the floor, blasting music, howling along out of tune. Good times.
Oh, and Mayers claims his wares are much more menacing than mere glitter. “ShipYourEnemiesGlitter is all about one-time revenge,” he says. “Bad Neighbour Notes is all about the ability to avenge yourself over and over again for all of the annoying things your neighbour does to you.” Just don’t get caught sticky-handed.
What’s Mayers’ explanation for the funky spelling of “neighbour”? “I’m Canadian, eh.” Ah, now it all makes sense.
To behold the new naughty neighbor notes in all of their backhanded beauty, check out the clip below: