Brotherly Love? Minimize sibling rivalry before it hurts your business.

How do you show your brother that you love him?" atherapist asked an 8-year old.

"You tell him . . . and then you punchhim in the back."

Such behavior seems altogether normal when brothers and sistersare children. But what if the adult children are in the familybusiness--and they're still pummeling each other with words anddeeds?

Competition among siblings runs deep. This type of rivalry isnatural and can even be beneficial to a business, as long as itdoesn't go too far. "When it gets so intense that a parenthas to step in, you can assume both adult siblings are atfault," says Ronald Reece, an organizational psychologist andco-owner of Behavior Resources Inc., a psychological counselingfirm in Greenville, South Carolina.

Separating fighting children was tough when they were young; itrequires even more strength and determination when they'reolder--and in business together. "Even as adults, [siblingsare] still in a power struggle for attention and approval,"says Kathy Wiseman, a family business consultant and president oforganizational development firm Working Systems in Washington, DC.And giving in to them feeds into this childish behavior, she says."It's better to say something like `This fight is betweenyou and your brother. As long as you're working here,you'll have to find a way to work it out.' "

Very often, young adult siblings have little understanding ofproblem-solving or conflict resolution techniques. If that'sthe case, they may need coaching from a consultant on how to arriveat a productive agreement--one that separates the problem from therelationship and one that produces a solution better than either ofthem could develop alone.

Sometimes a caring but neutral person is the best one to offer abusiness perspective to ongoing conflicts. That's the route thesiblings who run Lloyd's Moving Co. Inc., a 68-year-oldbusiness in Philadelphia, take when they have disagreements."A family friend, who's also a savvy business consultant,sits in on our family meetings," says Tina King, one of theLloyd siblings and three principals. "When there'sfriction, she takes the emotion out of it, turning it into abusiness problem, not a personal one. Because we all respect herand know she cares about us as a family, it works."

According to Reece, if siblings' fights become destructiveto a business, a parent may have no option but to say "One ofyou is going to have to go."

Patricia Schiff Estess writes family business histories andis the author of two books, Managing Alternative WorkArrangements (Crisp Publishing) and Money Advice for YourSuccessful Remarriage (Betterway Press).

Preventive Maintenance

By using a wide assortment of tools from their parental toolbox, however, parents can often keep sibling conflict from gettingto the point at which the business suffers. Here are someideas:

• Respect differences. "Our daddy [IsaacThomas Lloyd, the founder of Lloyd's Moving Company] used tosay, `The head needs the neck, and the neck needs theshoulders.' We try to keep that in mind when we worktogether," says King. Whether the siblings work in similarpositions or different ones, parents have to be mindful not to pitone child's abilities against the other's. Thecompany's success is dependent on many different talents.

• Don't shuttle information back and forth. Ifone of the children complains to you about another or tells yousomething unflattering about another, Reece suggests one of twomethods for handling it. Either absorb and forget it, or toss itback by saying something like "He's your brother. What areyou going to do about it?"

• Emphasize that the company benefits each member of thefamily--and future generations. Says King, "Our fatherinstilled in us the belief that as long as the job gets done, weshouldn't care who gets the credit for it. We'll allbenefit." If this advice is internalized by the children, itwill be a guiding force even when a parent is no longer around tomediate disputes.

• Establish guidelines to help reduce rivalry.Well-thought-out business policies eliminate the need for manysubjective decisions, such as who should enter the business andwhen or what level of respect and interaction is expected.Subjective decisions only fuel childlike reactions of "you dothat for her but don't do it for me."

• Encourage each sibling to participate in the achievementsof the other. If one sibling is awarded a sales promotion,for example, the whole family should be involved in thecelebration. "As long as the family has to share the pain ofbusiness problems, they should share the glory of each other'ssuccesses, too," says Reece.

Though parents would like to avoid it, they have to understandthat sibling rivalry has existed since Cain and Abel. All they cando is set the stage for the tension to be productive and dynamic,and help the children learn to appreciate and support each otherfor the good of the business.

Contact Sources

Behavior Resources Inc., 18 Lavinia Ave., Greenville, SC29601, fax: (864) 233-3706

Lloyd's Moving Co. Inc., (215) 473-0442, fax: (215)477-9384

Working Systems, 2000 L St. N.W., #522, Washington, DC20036, (202) 659-2222