'Til Business Do Us Part Can you handle working at home with your spouse? Our Homebased Psychology Expert, Azriela Jaffe, explains how homebased couples can work happily ever after.

Making love in the afternoons. Enjoying a leisurely cup ofcoffee together in the morning. Taking a moment for a brief hug oran "atta boy." Closing up shop at 4 p.m. so both mom anddad can watch 6-year-old Jane in her first dance recital. Shoppingtogether at Staples and saving money by sharing office supplies.These are the romantic images one can conjure up when thinkingabout couples working at home.

But an alternate reality can also be true: A fight the coupleengaged in the night before about an upcoming family get-togetherspills over to the breakfast table. There will be no refreshing andhealing break as each leaves for the office. They have to tackle abusiness project at 9 a.m.-together.

The trip to Staples doesn't go so well. She wants to spend$150 more than he does on business stationery and computersoftware. By the end of the shopping expedition, she's callinghim "cheap," and he's accusing her of beingirresponsible with money.

Or, for the married entrepreneurs who work together at home butin separate businesses: Instead of giving each other a "highfive" when one accomplishes a goal, the relationship isrippled with jealousy and competitiveness which diminishes anycelebration of each other's successes. Instead of "Goodjob," the unsaid exclamation might be, "Yeah, so? I couldhave done that, too, if I had more time. But I'm doing most ofthe work around here taking care of kids and cleaning the house. Ifyou pitched in more, I'd be able to score as well!"

Which scenario is most likely to occur when a couple worksclosely together at home, either in the same business or indifferent businesses? I'm not hedging when I say both areequally possible. Success or failure as a couple working from homedepends on a number of factors: individual personalities, thecouple's communication skills, how happy and in love they arewhen they begin working from home, individual needs for space andtogetherness, how well-suited each individual is to homebasedentrepreneurship, and how financially successful the business orbusinesses are.

Unfortunately, even a couple perfectly matched for working fromhome can run into difficulty when enduring the pressures of abusiness failure or a life-cycle crisis. Conversely, a couple whoordinarily wouldn't work well together may surprise themselvesand bond in the course of fighting against difficulty. Regardlessof each couple's temperament and conflict-resolving skills, onething seems to be universally true for all couples: Within eachrelationship, there must be some individuation. The world may viewyou as a "we," an inseparable business partnership or aspousal relationship strengthened by sharing space and resources inseparate businesses. Either way, you must find some distance fromthe other. How much depends on your individual temperaments.

But how do you get physical and emotional space when you'rein such close proximity?

Finding Your Personal Space

Greg, 53, and Ann Bidou, 45, run a 2½-year-old part-timeantique motorcycle parts business, T100 Toymakers Inc., from theirhome in Trumball, Connecticut. Ann shares their secret to asuccessful work-at-home partnership: "We have separate officeswithin our house, and we have separate areas of expertise so wedon't tread on each other's toes very often. Greg [providescustomers with] technical and mechanical advice, takes orders,prepares invoices, [handles] inventory purchasing and packing; Ihandle the accounting, banking, tax preparation, promotion,shipping and receiving.

"My office is upstairs; his is downstairs. I have acomputer; he doesn't need one. However, Greg is starting to getturned on by eBay auctions for buying and selling inventory, whichmay mean more use of 'my' computer. We'll see how thatgoes!

"We overlap in four areas: customer service, inventoryrecord-keeping, swap meets and money issues. We have fewdisagreements in the first three areas, but over money issueswe've had some 'intense' discussions. Greg is arisk-taker, a buy-now-pay-later, we'll-make more-money-tomorrowperson. I'm a save-now, pay-cash,don't-spend-more-than-you-have person. But we make it work toour advantage by leveraging the strengths of each style. Combininghis risk-taking and my caution makes us a much strongerteam."

One of Greg and Anne's secrets is to get out of the houseand socialize as much as possible. Not only is it good forbusiness, it helps refresh their relationship as well. They'vealso found their own formula for dealing effectively withconflict.

"We deal with difficult days by confrontation and/orwithdrawal," says Ann. "If confrontation gets too intenseor goes nowhere, we withdraw until we chill out. [Later,] we'llgo at the issue again more calmly. We've also gone to couplestherapy once a month since we were newlyweds to prevent littleissues from becoming big ones. That has really helped, especiallyby teaching us listening skills and how to risk telling each otherwhat we truly want and need, even if it seems like it will causeconflict. In truth, it prevents more conflicts than itcauses."

Working Together, Living Together

Shel Horowitz and his wife, Dina Friedman, of Hadley,Massachusetts, work together and separately in Accurate Writing &More, a writing and editing business. They've discoveredone of the primary rules for working at home couples: Share acomputer as infrequently as possible, and preferably not atall.

Shel recalls: "When Dina first left her day job [in 1987]to join me in the business, the biggest conflict was over computertime. Much pressure was relieved when we got a secondcomputer-though because only one of our computers [isconnected to] the Web, there's still some tugging and pullingabout who gets to use which computer. Probably within a year,we'll get a new computer. Then maybe we'll network them sothat files can be shared and it won't really matter who'swhere."

Shel and Dina, both 43, also had to work out differingpreferences for the ideal working environment. Shel likes to workwith music in the background; Dina prefers silence. Shel is theadmitted clutterer of the two. But they've worked it out overtime-Shel flips on the music as soon as Dina leaves thehouse. And many couples working from home swear by ear plugs orheadphones.

Shel reports a happy marriage of 16 years, only improved byworking together. But their business success is not something thatjust "happened" along because they loved each other. Theygive their relationship ongoing energy, just as they do theirbusiness, Shel acknowledges.

"We talk to each other a lot, try to have a meal out aloneweekly, give each other a lot of massages and cuddles, and take thedog for walks together," Shel says. "We make a point ofestablishing channels for communication. We keep romance in ourlives with a lot of different strategies, most of which cost littleor nothing." (It helps that Shel is the author of theself-published book The Penny-Pinching Hedonist, so he knowslots of low-cost tricks).

Adds Shel, "In addition to hiking and massage, going outfor coffee or dessert, riding our bikes, going dancing, playingball with the kids, being silly together and working on the samecauses, we take two significant vacations per year, one with andone without the kids."

The spaces in their togetherness allow for Dina to work on hernovels, something that for her requires isolation and intenseconcentration. Dina also teaches at various local colleges, givingShel increased opportunity to blare the music when he wants to.

Shel and Dina enjoy vacationing together, but some work-at-homecouples take vacations away from each other. Whether it be once aweek, a weekend away from the family once in awhile, or even anextended vacation or sabbatical away from home, many couples designways to infuse longing for each other back into the relationshipwhen they're feeling claustrophobic or irritable.

When I'm working as a coach with couples who are strained bytheir working relationship at home, I suggest that the frequentfighting they're reporting may be an ineffective methodthey've chosen for getting space from the other. There'snothing like a nasty argument to put a wall of separation in to therelationship! Ideally, a couple can develop more nurturing andproductive ways to separate from one another when needed.

Although working from home with a spouse nearby can strain amarriage, it also provides incentive to work on the relationshipand not let laziness and inertia set in. Many of the strategies forkeeping a work-at-home marriage thriving are the same suggested forany couple. Homebased entrepreneurial couples, once they developthe right formula for being around each other much of the day, willoften fall in love in a deeper way than was possible in theirprevious separated lifestyle.

Should You Work at Home With Your Spouse?

Can you share an office successfully with your spouse?

Score each question from one to five, one indicating that youstrongly agree and five indicating that you strongly disagree. Thentotal your points.

1. My spouse and I have the same need for tidiness,organization, space and clutter in our work area.

2. I can share a computer or desk space with my spouse, or wewill have separate workstations for each of us.

3. My spouse and I enjoy being together a great deal. We canwork together in close quarters without friction.

4. I don't need private, uninterrupted space to doproductive work.

5. I work better when I'm working near my spouse than whenI'm working alone.

6. My spouse and I are able to negotiate and problem-solve well.We easily resolve conflicts.

7. I really appreciate having my spouse available for advice,encouragement and constructive comments throughout the day.

8. My spouse and I can share office equipment efficiently andstill meet our individual business needs.

9. We have no choice but to work it out since our only availablespace is shared office space.

10. Even within our shared space, I will be able to carve out myown separate work area.

11. My partner may have work habits that annoy me, but even if Ifeel judgmental, I've learned how not to express it, unless itgets in the way of my work.

12. Both my spouse and I have a sense of humor. We laugh andhave a good time together throughout the day.

13. My spouse and I will regularly take time away from eachother, outside of the home office, when needed.

14. My spouse and I will be able to keep our business andpersonal conflicts separate. We don't fight dirty, and when wedo fight, we don't stay angry with each other for verylong.

15. My spouse and I work best at different times of the day, sowe'll be able to coordinate private time in our sharedoffice.

16. Sharing a home office is our first choice right now. Ifdoing so begins to jeopardize our relationship, we'll look forother alternatives.

Scoring:

16-36: Looks promising!
37-58: You will face several challenges, but it couldwork.
59-80: Danger! Sharing a home office could seriouslyjeopardize your relationship.

Quiz is reprinted with permission fromHoney, I Want to Start My Own Business, A PlanningGuide for Couples, by Azriela Jaffe. Copyright 1996,HarperBusiness.

Azriela Jaffe, Entrepreneur.com's HomebasedPsychology Expert, is the founder of AnchoredDreams and author of several books, including Honey, I Wantto Start my Own Business.