An Introvert’s Case for Skipping Small Talk and Building Real Connections

“Networking.”

Perhaps no other word inspires such panic in the introvert’s heart. The idea of standing around in a soulless hotel ballroom, trying to deftly balance a small plate of food while shaking hands with someone else trying to do the same? A nightmare. 

I get it. For years, I avoided it, too. I told myself I was too busy building Jotform to spend an evening trading business cards with strangers. In reality, I just didn’t like it. 

What I did like, however, was building connections. I cherished the feeling of talking shop with like-minded people, hearing about their latest projects and telling them about mine; forwarding an article to a long-time acquaintance that reminded me of a conversation we’d had; congratulating a former colleague on a new venture; or complimenting a fellow founder on a successful product release. 

That’s when I realized that networking doesn’t have to be making stilted small talk while you quietly weigh the feasibility of escape via air vent. Nor does it have to be a numbers game where you shake as many hands as possible. 

It can, in fact, be as simple as talking to people you find interesting, and being willing to reach out when you have something to say. Done right, it doesn’t have to feel like work at all. 

Why “networking” is the wrong term

Some words just naturally inspire a deep sense of ick. Through no fault of its own, “networking” has become one of them, placing it on par with other disquieting terms like “moist” and “synergy.” It implies a cheap, transactional nature; something to discard once it stops producing value. 

But there’s no rule that says these relationships have to be cheap or temporary. In fact, some of my most fruitful connections started out in very network-y ways, and quickly blossomed into something much more durable. 

I actually think my introverted nature has something to do with that. I don’t ask questions if I don’t want to hear the answer. Nor do I waste time on conversations that don’t genuinely interest me. I’m not built for small talk, so I just…skip it. 

Networking advice often centers on a series of tricks, like repeating someone’s name twice in the conversation, or dropping in a well-timed personal anecdote. But the truth is, people can tell the difference between someone working the room and someone who’s actually listening. There’s not a lot of value in a shallow, unmemorable interaction. 

Instead, ask the question you actually want to ask. Have the conversation you want to have. If the person you’re chatting with isn’t on the same page or doesn’t seem engaged, there’s no reason to force yourself to keep going. Give yourself permission to end the interaction tactfully and move on. 

The power of weak ties

In 1973, a Stanford sociologist named Mark Granovetter conducted a study that may make you rethink your beliefs about casual acquaintances — I know they forced me to rethink mine. 

Granovetter found that, contrary to popular belief, it’s actually our most peripheral acquaintances — what he calls “weak ties” — who end up serving as our most important sources of new information and ideas. 

You might assume that your closest connections (otherwise known as “strong ties”) would be the most valuable when it comes to finding a new job or sourcing a new hire, but that’s actually not the case. Those closest to us are just that — too close. There’s too much overlap between the information they possess and the people they know to be truly helpful. Weak ties, on the other hand, offer fresh perspectives and a pool of information we don’t already have. 

Here’s my advice on growing and maintaining these valuable connections: 

Cast a wider net than feels natural

Strong ties tend to form on their own. You don’t have to try with the people you already see every week. Weak ties take a deliberate push.

That means saying “yes” to the coffee with someone outside your usual circle. Talking to the person at the conference who works in a completely different industry than yours. The goal isn’t necessarily to befriend everyone; it’s more ensuring that your circle includes a few people who see the world differently than you. 

Give before you need anything

The fastest way to kill a weak tie is to only appear when you want something. Rather than always popping up with an ask, reach out before you need a favor. Send the article you think they’d like, or congratulate them on a launch with no agenda attached.

I do this constantly with people I’m not particularly close to. Most of the time, nothing comes of it directly. Every so often, that small gesture is the reason someone thinks of me first when an opportunity comes along.

Let the relationship stay light

A weak tie doesn’t require monthly check-ins to survive. It just needs to not go completely cold. This can be an easy, introvert-friendly lift — a comment on something they posted, a quick reply when they reach out. None of it has to be heavy to keep the connection alive.

The pressure to “maintain” a relationship is part of what makes networking feel so taxing. Weak ties don’t ask that much of you. The only requirement is that you show up occasionally, and mean it when you do. These ties may stay loose, and that’s completely okay. They may also blossom into some of your most valuable relationships.